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This is an essay about cheeses, nothing more, nothing less. Though certainly there’s quite a bit on the “less” side of the scale than the ‘more’, when it comes to cheese. Take, for instance, anteaters . I feel in terms of importance, anteaters are way less so than cheese. I mean, cheese gives nutritional content including vitamins, calcium, deliciousness, and the ability to make a grilled cheese sandwich, if you have bread and a spread of some kind. Anteaters are nutritional I suppose, if you were to kill then cook one. And you’d think they’d be pretty lean, considering they only eat ants. I had always heard ants were high in protein, though that could have been cockroaches. Is there such a thing as a cockroacheater?
Anyhow, cheese. Now I’ve always been offended that there is a cheese called American, that isn’t cheddar. I’ve always thought cheddar is the ultimate American cheese rather than that processed stuff, though the processed stuff does speak volumes about the American “Culture” that we supposedly have. I mean seriously, I had some Muenster from a deli the other day, and while it made a slammin’ grilled cheese, what with the stretch factor and all, it just wasn’t Muenster. The real stuff stinks, but that’s America for you, we don’t have any real depth. I mean seriously, one of our best artists is Andy Worhol? The guy painted a can of soup. Not to mention our additions to classical music. I love John Williams as much as the next guy, you couldnt find a bigger closet Star Wars geek than me. But he made the same thing like TEN TIMES!! SERIOUSLY, SHOW SOME GROWTH!! IT’s not like Beethoven’s symphonies all sound the same, because they don’t. I’ve listened to them.
Anyway, cheddar really is fantastic, and the day I had a really good, sharp cheddar, that was the day I realized what cheese could bring me. I have friends who won’t eat it because it’s high in fat, which it is. But you know, I feel like I’ve reached a point in my life where I know what’s good and not good for me, at least for the most part. It bothers me when people question life choices, or butt in and try to tell me how to live my life. Classic case, I’m listening to music, the new Kanye album, at like midnight, and I wanted to FEEL the music. So I turned the bass up real high, and cranked the volume. I wanted to LIVE the music. Wouldn’t you know it, ol’ Buzzkill Betty herself, my mother, is yelling from the bottom of the stairs. I’m like, “LET ME LIVE, MOM! LET ME LIVE!” Then I turned the music down.
I think when I realized salads could have these fancy cheeses on them, your gorgonzolas and fetas and what not, that was when I realized I could have cheese on literally anything. Like apple pie, either a piece of cheddar or American (GOD DAMMIT!) on it and microwave it for a few seconds. You’ll eat it and go WHOA! It’s a good time, I wouldn’t lie to you.
It’s those blue-veined cheeses, real pale and wet sounding when you slap them, that put me off. But then I realized, the stinkier a cheese, the better. The stench is in truth flavor, though remember not to put that stuff on your ham sandwich. That’s what the mustard is for.
It’s rare you can have a product that goes good with all meals like cheese, b ut cheesy eggs, then a ham and cheese, and a cheese burger for dinner, that’s a day’s eating. You see, if you don’t eat the cheese, you deprive yourself of an essential ingredient to enjoying life. You know who else deprived themselves of things? Hitler.